Conversations on the Radio

[SUBS17]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokke r, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."



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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard ri ght turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 la nded. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They n ot only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Grou nd: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
G round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn rght onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once

[SUBS17]

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"


"There I was" at C-130 Combat Air Tactics School where they teached us to go low & slow and stay alive. One day we were pitted against F-16s from Arkansas.
Once we were in the air, one of the Vipers got the jump on us, he slowed down to make the kill. We outturned him at that slow speed (Luck? Skill?) and put him at our 12. As he turned away from us to go get some smash for another run, our AC couldnt resist squawking out "Fox-2! Fox-2!"
I'd like to quote what the Viper pilot said through the heavy breathing and grunts of his high-g turn but all we could make out was some word that started with an "F" and "you"!


During joint exercise in Germany an USAF and German F-4 are practicing low-level in Southern Germany near the Swiss Border. As they approach the border they hear a call on Guard "Unidentified aircraft nearing Swiss border, identify yourself". Both pilots maintain radio silence and do not answer. The Swiss repeat the transmission twice without success. The next transmission reads: "Unidentified aircraft, identify yourself or we will send our interceptors". After which the German pilot replies: "Will you send one or both of them".


I was told that an F-4 pilot out of MCAS Beaufort, SC flew under the Savannah, Ga. bridge (possible). The story goes that the RIO was so mad that he threatened to eject if the pilot attempted it again.
The pilot proceeded to do it again... inverted!


A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."


Rhein Radar: "BAG(Speedway)123, restricting traffic is now 1 o'clock, 1 mile, 1000 high, right to left, Airbus 320. Report in sight."
BAG123: "Traffic in sight. Too close for missiles, switching to guns."



And my personal favourite, heard in the 1980ies over West Germany:
- American Pilot: "Radar, we are a formation of two A-10, position three zero miles north XYZ, altitude six thousand and ... errr ... we forgot our mission callsign..."
- German Controller: "Roger, A-10 formation, adopt new callsign STUPID ONE and TWO and report your destination."
Even after having found out their true callsign by digging their flightplan out of the computer, the controllers let them fly the whole remaining one-hour-flight back to homeplate on their new callsign...



...and some more, found on the homepage of a German Airforce Tornado Squadron:


CGF training COMAO, GCI/TRAMON callsign: SWEETAPPLE
TIGER 3/4 30 miles ahead of TIGER 1 during egress.

TIGER 1: "TIGER 1, TIGER 1, tied up with two fox four!!!!!!"
RAGS: "SWEETAPPLE, TIGER 3 snap to fight!"
SWEETY: "TIGER 3 snap 290 for 30 miles!"
RAGS: "Hang on Tiger 1, going supersonic, be there in 2 mins!" (the Tom Cruise line from Top Gun)
SWEETY (hectically): "NEGATIVE NEGATIVE TIGER 3!!! Stay subsonic! Supersonic flight only allowed above FL 360 in German airspace!!!!"
RAGS: "Yeah OK - it's just a line from a movie"
SWEETY: --- silence ----


Threatbriefing (27.03.98)

Deano: "Best defence against a ZSU is to fly six circles just outside max firing range around it and then top will unscrew and fall off!"
Schlicky: "But keep in mind, it´s a Russian system. So make it left circles, otherwise the scew will just tighten up."


TRA 208 BFM (18.05.98)

TRAMON: "EAGLE 1, area boundary nose 5 miles!"
EAGLE 1: "Roger, in sight!!!"


Early Retirement

Due to normal ageing processes, Higher Headquarter has decided to implement a scheme to put most jet flyers over 41 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Pilots Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Headquarters to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired Early WSOs/Pilots). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Headquarters deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Pilots Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Headquarters.

Persons staying on will receive as much s**t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Headquarter has always prided itself for the amount of s**t it gives out. Should you feel that you do not get enough s**t please bring it to the attention of your Supervisors. He/She has been trained to give you all the s**t you can handle.


Weakdick List:

Reverser-User
Promotion-Expecter
Hook-Catcher
RWR-On-Switcher
Pushbutton-Pusher
High Bypass-Listener
SPILS-On-Switcher
Pitottube-Heater
Ejectionseat-Armer
CSAS-Flyer
Notcher
Lefthand-Orbiter
Wings-Forward-Sweeper
Pirepper
Dash-One-Reader
Birdtam-Climber
HIRTA-Fixer
NOTAM-Avoider
Practice-Panner
APU-Off-Cutter
Parking-Brake-User
Boldface-Writer
TerrainFollowing-Softrider
ATC-Sir-Caller
Checklist-Updater
Flare-Caller
Slice-Backer
TCAS-Alerter
Birdstrike-Aborter
CMP-Reader
Sweatcap-Wearer
Diaper-Wearer
WSO-Truster
322-Member
SGL-Passer
TMPS-Saver
Preflighter
Centerline-Taxier
Tornado-Weakdick-List-Reader

note-these are sometimes peoples callsigns for various reasons

[ZK-Brock]

Lol, heard many before, but the Retirement early ones near the bottom are class!

[Zöltuger]

G round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

my fav.

[Charl]

Apologies to our German listeners - the Brits find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that BMW now own Rolls Royce and VW took Bentley!

Some of those can't be real conversations one hopes but I loved the lost student pilot "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Man, there's some work to be done there...

[ronindanbo]

Apologies to our German listeners - the Brits find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that BMW now own Rolls Royce and VW took Bentley!

Some of those can't be real conversations one hopes but I loved the lost student pilot "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Man, there's some work to be done there...

well its more complex than that, Rolls Royce PLC sold the car naming rights to BMW for 40mil, they sold thier automotive division to Vickers who in turn on sold it to VW (so VW couldent build Rolls Royce brand and BMW could but not from a RR factory )

THEN Rolls Royce plc bought Vickers to become a defence and aviation power house.... all in all something tells me the Brits actually got the better of the deal