Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:50 pmThis just got forwarded to me, I had a little chuckle. 
QUOTE
Rules for Going to Auckland
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Ork - Lund ", not "JAFATOWN."
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Auckland has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Auckland. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down the motorway"
4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
5. If you actually stop at an orange light, you will be rear-ended, abused and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting Line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
6. K' Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Ork-Lunder.
7. Construction on motorways & other main streets in peak traffic is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
8. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
9. All old ladies with coloured hair in a crappy car have total right-of-way.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on Motorway is 120 kph. Anything less is considered downright dangerous.
11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
12. If you are in the fast lane, and only going 100 km in a 100 km zone, people are not waving when they go by.
13. The Auckland Harbour Bridge road is our daily version of Speedway. There are plans to rename it Western Springs Waikaraka Park Bridge.
14. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Auckland city.
15. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a motorway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Auckland residents notify Transit NZ & Govt Departments where exits should have been built.
16. Some people have a bumper sticker *Horn Broken, Watch For Finger* You must get as close to possible as the car in front of you, or you may not see the finger in time.[/quote]
Alex
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Ork - Lund ", not "JAFATOWN."
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Auckland has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Auckland. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down the motorway"
4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
5. If you actually stop at an orange light, you will be rear-ended, abused and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting Line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
6. K' Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Ork-Lunder.
7. Construction on motorways & other main streets in peak traffic is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
8. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
9. All old ladies with coloured hair in a crappy car have total right-of-way.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on Motorway is 120 kph. Anything less is considered downright dangerous.
11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
12. If you are in the fast lane, and only going 100 km in a 100 km zone, people are not waving when they go by.
13. The Auckland Harbour Bridge road is our daily version of Speedway. There are plans to rename it Western Springs Waikaraka Park Bridge.
14. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Auckland city.
15. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a motorway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Auckland residents notify Transit NZ & Govt Departments where exits should have been built.
16. Some people have a bumper sticker *Horn Broken, Watch For Finger* You must get as close to possible as the car in front of you, or you may not see the finger in time.[/quote]
Alex
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:53 pmHahahaha that's great 
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:06 pmGreat but they got one thing wrong.
Why Ork-land. Jafatown is much funnier (for those of us whom don't live there for those who do it means Just Another Friendly Aucklander - Yea right!)
Why Ork-land. Jafatown is much funnier (for those of us whom don't live there for those who do it means Just Another Friendly Aucklander - Yea right!)
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:30 pmThe only reason I lived in Jafatown was so I didn't appear to be an ignorant pig islander when taking the #### out of Auckland. Now I'm a well informed pig isalander taking the #### out of Auckland.
Better watch out what I say, my twin girls were born in Auckland. Acutally they were born in the centre of culture and artistic endeavour of Auckland, Waitakere City - My girls are definitely WESTIES! This is quite a proud moment for me 'coz I'm from Gore, i.e. a bogan or a gore-on and there are strong interisland relations between westies and bogans.
A number of years ago voice data recorders were fitted to all cars in NZ to aid in determining car crash causes. They recorded the last words of drivers prior to crashes.
In 90% of crashes the last words were "OH SH!T!"
However in Auckland the last words were generally found to be one of:
"Hold on I've got another call coming in on my other phone"
"Don't worry about the red light - the other cars haven't started moving yet"
"Of course that truck will let me in - I'm driving an SUV"
"The Navtrack is telling me turn right onto Fanshawe"
"Don't be silly no one stops on the motorway"
"He'll stop - he can't afford insurance"
But the main one from west auckland was found to be:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
Jamie
Better watch out what I say, my twin girls were born in Auckland. Acutally they were born in the centre of culture and artistic endeavour of Auckland, Waitakere City - My girls are definitely WESTIES! This is quite a proud moment for me 'coz I'm from Gore, i.e. a bogan or a gore-on and there are strong interisland relations between westies and bogans.
A number of years ago voice data recorders were fitted to all cars in NZ to aid in determining car crash causes. They recorded the last words of drivers prior to crashes.
In 90% of crashes the last words were "OH SH!T!"
However in Auckland the last words were generally found to be one of:
"Hold on I've got another call coming in on my other phone"
"Don't worry about the red light - the other cars haven't started moving yet"
"Of course that truck will let me in - I'm driving an SUV"
"The Navtrack is telling me turn right onto Fanshawe"
"Don't be silly no one stops on the motorway"
"He'll stop - he can't afford insurance"
But the main one from west auckland was found to be:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
Jamie
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:49 pmDefinetely Jafatown! 
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:58 pmlol they certainly got it right about the roadworks.. spent a weekend in auckland not long ago and was astonished by the amount of roadworks...EVERYWHERE
Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:09 amchickenman wrote:QUOTE (chickenman @ Mar 17 2008, 09:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>Better watch out what I say, my twin girls were born in Auckland. Acutally they were born in the centre of culture and artistic endeavour of Auckland, Waitakere City - My girls are definitely WESTIES! This is quite a proud moment for me 'coz I'm from Gore, i.e. a bogan or a gore-on and there are strong intrafamily relations between westies and bogans.
There you go... fixed that for youpois0n wrote:QUOTE (pois0n @ Mar 17 2008, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>lol they certainly got it right about the roadworks.. spent a weekend in auckland not long ago and was astonished by the amount of roadworks...EVERYWHERE
It is called 'end of financial year'... everyone is busy trying to use up all their 2007 budget, so that they can try to justify not having it cut next year! Happens every year in Feb/Mar... the roadworks just pop up everywhere....
LMAO, funny cos' most of them are true!
